Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
