i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize