Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
