Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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