The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
