Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
