this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
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He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
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His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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