what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
