i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.