hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.