I wanna bring you to show and tell
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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