Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
