carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
