I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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