Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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