I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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