my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
