We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
