i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
