You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
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he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
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Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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