If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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