And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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