Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
