frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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