It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
