I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
