Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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