I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
