Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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