Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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