I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
