What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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