I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
