The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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