i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
