Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
