The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
