And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
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