I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
