he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
