You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
