dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
