Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
