if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
