Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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