i need an iv and a liver transplant
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
