You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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