smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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