ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
