No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
