Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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