If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
