R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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