NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
