If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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