i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
